Well, well, well...

So I was contacted via Facebook by some guy who wants my domain name. In exchange for giving it up, he claims he can redesign my Wordpress website (It's Blogger, dude...).

I think he should probably factor in that "Well Above Average" refers to my intelligence level before making any offers.

Dude, I'm not stupid!

Dear Whore of Lucifer

My latest favorite best of Craigslist post comes via Chicago:

I have recently enrolled in a 12-step program for people whose lives were decimated and finances ruined by lawyer bills when their spouses filed for divorce after finding someone else to fuck and run off with. I am currently up to Step 8: Willingness to Make Amends. As such, I apologize for the following recent transgressions:

Told the drunk at the bar who wanted a Red-Headed Slut that he's more than welcome to you if that general contractor douchebag is done with you.

Annoyed the staff at several hospitals by calling to see if they had any fresh organ donors on hand with a heart suitable to replace your cold, dead one.

Demanded a refund from Southwest Airlines because I tried to get you on one of their planes but they refused to let my bag fly free as advertised in their TV commercials.

Scrawled your cell number in the stall of the john of the bar at the American Legion post down the street with an offer of free prostate exams for all veterans 65 and older.

Told my neighborhood U.S. Marine Corps recruiter that I knew the exact location of the dank, hopeless cave Osama Bin Laden was hiding in and provided the GPS coordinates to your pants.

Lit several offering candles at your church with prayers that karma would hurry its ass up and come around to you while I was still alive to see it.

For these things, my dear handmaiden of Satan, I make my amends. I'd still love to see your head squeezed in a vice until your eyeballs squirt out of their sockets, but I have to go along with the program.

Decisions, decisions...

Facebook Thinks I'm Gay

...not that there's anything wrong with that!

Monica Hesse over at the Washington Post chatted online about a new Facebook app dubbed "Project Gaydar." According to Hesse, "it can determine users sexual orientation based on their Facebook associations."

Hmm...I'm not sure about that--but based on the ads Facebook serves up for me, it has apparently determined that I'm gay. Yup, I get ads for lesbian match-making services all the time. At least I'm not getting ads for Doc Marten boots and flannel shirts...

Dear Facebook, I am not gay. Stop with the lesbian dating service ads already!

Irony

A recent article in the Washington Post reported how Hollywood is suing Bollywood rip-offs of its films.

Seriously?

A recent $200,000 settlement against an Indian filmmaker who plagiarized My Cousin Vinny (What? No musical version of To Kill a Mockingbird?) was seen as a positive event for the Indian film making community:

"Indian film critics hope the landmark "My Cousin Vinny" payout will encourage Bollywood producers to find more experimental and original story lines. There has traditionally been a lot of pressure on Bollywood to produce proven moneymakers, especially because many of the films were bankrolled by Mumbai's wealthy underworld figures. But now, cleaner money is making its way into Bollywood."

Ya gotta love it. Hollywood is suing Bollywood for ripping it off. They say imitation is a form of flattery, but India not only imitates Hollywood with cheesy Bollywood versions of its films, but by the very act of the rip-off!

Hollywood is the absolute master of the rip-off. Especially when it comes to ripping off itself. Reboots of Beverly Hills 90210 and now Melrose Place? Another movie version of Fame populated by your favorite sitcom stars (Debbie Allen, Kelsey Grammar, Megan Mullaley, Bebe Neuwirth?). Is it ripping off the 1980 movie--or the rip-off 1982 TV series?

Not to mention Saw I-V, Final Destination 1-4, Fast and Furious 1-4 and all the freaking Halloween movies. Yeah, let's sue Bollywood. That'll solve the copycat problem.

Pot, meet kettle.

50 Things Being Killed by the Internet

There's a great article in the UK Telegraph about 50 things made obsolete by the Internet. The first thing that's cool about it is realizing the changes (not all good!) that have occurred with the advent of new connectivity technologies (remember coming home from work and listening to messages on your answering machine?). The second cool thing is discovering the similarities and differences between the U.S. and U.K. (Ceefax?).

And the last cool thing is the mostly literate, snark-free and calm responses the article generated as opposed to the usual troll-baiting, flame-throwing free-for-all:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Sex, Religion and Politics

I'm pretty sure Miss Manners would have a pithy comeback regarding Facebook status postings. As in polite conversation, I sincerely question the wisdom of people who wear their politics on their sleeve. Especially when they are egregiously uninformed.

Okay--there's no fighting ignorance I suppose, but whatever happened to plain ol' civility? The latest meme on Facebook is all about health care reform (remember when it was a place where you could toss virtual livestock at each other all in good fun?) and the knives are coming out.

This is the status update people are posting:

"No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day."

Sounds reasonable--but to many idiots stalwarts it's a thrown-down gauntlet. I submit to you that anyone satisfied with the current state of health care--which is to say, where you or your employer pay an outrageous monthly premium to an insurer that limits who you can see, what treatments you can be prescribed, how much they will cover, etc.--has either never gone without health insurance or had to deal with a chronic illness.

Having type 1 diabetes means that unless I work for a company with group health insurance, I am un-insurable. Because health insurance isn't about providing health care, it's about minimizing risk and maximizing profits. And even with group health insurance I am forced to navigate a system which is more about preventing me from obtaining health care rather than providing me with the means to do so.

I've had health insurance and I've been without health insurance--and in my experience neither situation is ideal as a means of health care. Anyone who thinks that a single payer solution like in Canada or Great Britain would be a bureaucratic nightmare hasn't navigated a health insurance phone tree. We already have the bloated bureaucracy--it's called "Blue Cross" or "Blue Shield."

And @#$% you to the moron who thinks I should move to Canada or England because I'm dissatisfied with the way the current system works. I hope you never contract a chronic illness which forces you try to actually get health care from your health insurer (good luck with that!), or have them raise your premiums or rescind your coverage as many health insurance companies have done (Well, actually I sorta do...).

It's time to remove the profit motive from health care. And it's time to get back to tossing sheep and whatnot on Facebook.

Google Cubes

Just got back from a business trip. Won't bore you with the details except to recount some of the highlights and--ahem, interesting folks I met along the way:

1. TSA Screeners: The last time I flew, the liquid limitations and shoe inspection hadn't been in force (which gives you an inkling of how freaking long it's been...), so I was dreading the whole TSA process. I also hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes and was worried about what issues I might have transporting insulin and needles.

Turns out I had every reason to be concerned. The TSA screeners were completely horrible. Snapping at anyone who was confused or who made the egregious error of putting a laptop case in a plastic bin (Quelle horreur!), I decided "TSA" stood for "Totally Sucky Attitude."

The morons insisted on me subjecting my insulin to x-ray, despite my request for a visual inspection. They insisted those were the rules and if I didn't put my insulin through the x-ray, I would not be able to board the plane. Two supervisors adamantly assured me that I had no recourse other to not fly. Not surprisingly, they were wrong. TSA Guidelines explicitly state:

"Medication and related supplies are normally X-rayed. However, as a customer service, TSA now allows you the option of requesting a visual inspection of your medication and associated supplies.

• You must request a visual inspection before the screening process begins; otherwise your medications and supplies will undergo X-ray inspection.
• If you would like to take advantage of this option, please have your medication and associated supplies separated from your other property in a separate pouch/bag when you approach the Security Officer at the walk-through metal detector.
• Request the visual inspection and hand your medication pouch/bag to the Security Officer.
• In order to prevent contamination or damage to medication and associated supplies and/or fragile medical materials, you will be asked at the security checkpoint to display, handle, and repack your own medication and associated supplies during the visual inspection process.
• Any medication and/or associated supplies that cannot be cleared visually must be submitted for X-ray screening. If you refuse, you will not be permitted to carry your medications and related supplies into the sterile area."

Well, well--imagine that! The TSA workers don't even know their own rules.

Quelle surprise!

2. My San Jose flight seatmates: An older British couple. The man was seated in the middle seat and his long limbs kept creeping into my seat space. After rubbing elbows for several minutes, he finally placed his hands in his lap. He was reading some sort of legal document, but my surreptitious glances couldn't figure out what it was. His very proper wife was talking about one woman, who "had a good head on her shoulders" and another woman of whom she said, "She's a bitch. I'd like to put a hit out on her."

Unfortunately he decided to take a nap so she stopped talking after that. Too bad--the conversation was getting interesting.

3. The Google Party: This was a fairly small affair, but totally awesome. Open bar, lots of yummy food (including SUSHI!) and signature drinks that were adorned with LED ice cubes (see pic above). I collected a set (actually I had only three drinks, but snatched the fourth from an unsuspecting coworker).

4. Meeting up with David and Crystal: My brother and his fiancee drove down from San Francisco to have dinner with me on Wednesday night. It was great to see them.

5. The automated itinerary system on Southwest: Just as we were about to cut our post-conference happy hour short and get our asses in gear for the airport, I get an automated message from Southwest on my cellphone alerting me to the fact our flight had been delayed by an hour. Making lemonade out of lemons, we had another drink--or two.

6. My seatmate on the flight back to L.A.: As I took the empty aisle seat next to a young woman, she turned and held out her hand and said something. Initially, I thought she was telling me she was holding the seat for someone, but it turned out she was introducing herself. Unusual, but a nice change from most airline interactions. After I sat down and settled in, she pulled a barf bag from the seat pocket and laid in down on the seat between us. Looking at me she patted it saying, "Just in case. I had a little bit too much to drink."

Wonderful.

Fortunately Tiffany did not lose her lunch (or dinner) during the flight. At least not in close proximity to me. She did excuse herself while the flight attendant was taking drink orders to use the bathroom. Perhaps she had the good grace to confine her vomiting to the lavatory.

7. My shuttle mates on the ride home: Why I didn't just take a cab, I don't know. It was 10 pm when we landed. I could just expense it to the company. I wasn't worried about economizing with the cab ride to the airport or the shuttle from the airport to the hotel. Instead, I turned what should have been a 20 minute cab ride into an hour long ordeal. First there was hippy dippy trippy lady, who hummed and warbled along to the music on her iPod along with snapping her fingers. Then there was annoying Amazon woman, who tripped getting into the van because she was too busy talking on her cell phone to watch where she was going.

I suffered while hippy dippy trippy hummed and snapped and the annoying Amazon continued to chat on her cell. Fortunately the other two riders were quiet like me. The good news is that annoying Amazon and hippy dippy trippy were the first two riders to get dropped off. The bad news is that I was second to last. Note to self: If someone else will be footing the bill, take a damn cab!

So that's my story. Not surprisingly there are annoying morons wherever you go. Might as well just stay home...

She's Baaaack!

Wow--it sure is easy to get out of the habit of blogging. It's been a busy couple of weeks, so let me catch y'all up on what I've been doing:

Thursday, July 30th, my sister Laurie and brother-in-law Dennis got into town to visit me for a couple of days after finishing the load-in of Wicked in San Diego. Laurie brought me a t-shirt from Heavenly Cupcake. It's got the store logo on the front and says, "I'm so frosted!" on the back. Very cute. Looks great with my white linen shorts.

After we chatted for a bit, we went to grab a bite to eat. I wanted to take them to Violet which is located right down the street from me. We trekked there on foot, but when we arrived the restaurant was closed. As in no longer in business. Their website was up when we headed there, but as of today it's been pulled down.

Plan B was to trek back, get in the car and drive north to Fig. When we figured out where Fig was located, it turned out to be in the Fairmont Miramar Hotel. Laurie and Dennis weren't sure how they felt about a restaurant in a fancy-schmancy hotel so we went to Plan C, Manchego. Although it was after 8 pm by the time we got there, and the tiny little restaurant doesn't have a liquor license which necessitated a run to the liquor store to get a bottle of wine, Manchego turned out to be a great selection.

We tried almost everything on the Tapas menu and just about all of it was excellent. Stand-outs were the grilled zucchini, feta cheese and caramelized pecans and the lamb lollipops chops.

Friday, July 31st, Dennis and Laurie showed up about 1:30 pm and did some laundry. A stagehand friend who was living in Beverly Hills with his wife and kids invited us over for a cook-out so after laundry we spent time running to Whole Foods, a wine store and the Santa Monica Seafood company to get stuff to bring to the cookout. Andy and Amy had two adorable rugrats named Eli and Sydney, a sweet dog named Emma and a very friendly cat named Monkey. I spent most of the evening petting Monkey 'cuz Laurie, Dennis and Andy went off on a four hour long riff on stagehand stuff and between the wingnuts and winches I had no idea what the hell they were talking about.

Saturday, we went down to Venice to House of Ink where I've gotten five out of six of my tattoos done. My regular tattoo artist was no longer there, but Dennis and I forged ahead with our tattoo plans. Number seven for me, number one for Dennis.

Laurie wussed out.

I got a phoenix on my lower left abdomen. I thought that given how much "cushioning" I have in that region, the tattoo would be the least painful of all.

I was so wrong.

It was pretty excruciating, but it looked great when it was done. It's going through the itchy, scabby, scaly phase right now, but will be fully healed soon.

Dennis got a Grateful Dead logo with the words, "Don't Look Back..." underneath on his upper arm. The tattoo is a reference to the Don Henley song "Boys of Summer":

"Out on the road today
I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac.
A little voice inside my head said,
"Don't look back. You can never look back."

Pretty cool, eh?

That evening we met up with my friends Dave and Kat in Silverlake. They took us to their favorite Italian restaurant, Aroma. When we finally were seated, I spotted my co-worker Pete having dinner with his lovely wife.

Small world!

Dinner was excellent. I had the filet mignon in red wine and herb sauce. So delicious! Before being seated, I had taken the waiter aside and told him to make sure to bring me the bill. Laurie and Dennis had picked up the tab Thursday night and last time Dave and Kat visited me they paid for dinner, so it was my turn. Unfortunately, Dennis also told the waiter to bring HIM the bill, but Dave beat us all and picked up the tab.

I told the waiter I was really pissed at him, but he said, "What can I say? He threatened to kill me if I didn't give him the bill. I have three kids..."

Sunday, we went up to Sherman Oaks to see my friend Danny in a series of one acts. Afterward we drove to Venice and checked out Gjelina, the latest Los Angeles "it" spot. It was good and we had the good fortune of sitting next to a very friendly couple, but I wasn't as impressed with it as I was with Aroma and Manchego.

That brings us up-to-date through August 2nd. I'll post more to catch up later, plus I've got a movie review for an upcoming release, skin care product review, some Republic of Tea stuff and more. So stick around and thanks for hanging in there!

Stephen Colbert Cracks Me Up

While waiting for my optometrist appointment, I had a extensive selection of magazines to choose from: Family Circle, Better Homes and Gardens and Newsweek. What no People, no US Weekly?

Sigh--the things I must endure...

Anyway, as it turned out, the issue of Newsweek was the one that was guest edited by Stephen Colbert. I'm sure the receptionist was wondering why I was shaking with laughter. An excerpt of his "From the Editor" column titled "Why I Took This Crummy Job:"

"Turns out there are still 135,000 troops in Iraq, which I don't understand because we've already won the war. And we've won it so many times. We should win something for the number of times we've won it. We eliminated the weapons of mass destruction by having them not exist. We took out Saddam Hussein—or a really convincing and committed Saddam Hussein double. We helped write the Iraqi Constitution and clearly gave Iraqis the right to bear a lot of arms. And by August of next year we'll withdraw every single one of our troops, leaving behind only memories and 50,000 troops.

But despite our continued victories, Americans have many lingering questions about Iraq. For example: where is Iraq? My guess is somewhere near Paraguay.

I wanted to find the answers. So when Jon Meacham asked me to guest-edit NEWSWEEK, I jumped at the chance, particularly because my guest editorship at Mature -Honeys fell through. I guess my photo essay of sexy housewives reenacting the Battle of Fallujah was too "real" for them.

Of course, guest editing is more than just sitting around tanning myself by the gleam of Fareed Zakaria's teeth. I set the editorial agenda, assigned stories and yelled at Peter Parker to get me more photos of that web-slinging vigilante, Spider-Man. He's a menace!"

"Tanning myself by the gleam of Fareed Zakaria's teeth..."

Every time I've ever seen promos for the CNN personality, I've thought to myself, "My god, that's a scary smile!" Colbert--as usual--nails it.

Read the whole piece at Newsweek.com.

Howlingly funny...

Kitty Visits

I got a new storm/screen door installed last weekend. It's awesome being able to keep the door open and air out the apartment. As the weather finally starts to heat up, it's gonna be a lifesaver!

A side benefit has been random visits by neighbor kitties attracted by the light and sound of my TV.















A fellow One Life to Live fan, no doubt!

I Hate Paying for Parking

Just got back from seeing The Hurt Locker at Westfield Century City (review to follow...). I validated my parking at AMC, which in the past buys an extra two hours over their standard first three hours free. After the movie, I did some leisurely browsing (scored 3 cami tops at Lucy for $6.99 each!) and after about 3.5 hours at the mall total (including 2.5 hours for the movie when you factor in previews, etc.), I headed back to my car.

Westfield has automate pay stations now and this usually entails slipping the parking ticket into the slot, a bit of whirring of the machine which then calculates that I owe no money and spits said ticket out again for me to use when exiting the parking lot.

Imagine my shock when instead of spitting my ticket out, the machine indicated I owed $3 for that extra 30 minutes. WTF?!!! I looked at the parking rates and sure enough, that validation from AMC bought me an up to two hour grace period--for $3.00.

Smart move, Westfield! I mean three hours is barely enough time to see a movie these days when you account for arriving a bit early to buy tickets, popcorn, find a seat plus previews. Forget about getting out of an epic blockbuster like Harry Potter in less than three hours--not gonna happen. So now, instead of seeing a movie and then doing a bit of shopping afterward (I mean, as long as I'm already here!), it behooves the financially conscientious not to linger after the credits roll, but to high tail it out of there before racking up a $3 parking charge!

Way to go, Westfield! In the midst of a recession, you've found the perfect way to drive your customers away from the mall...

Men: Soon to be Superfluous

The Washington Post reported that British scientists claim to have created human sperm.

Reminds me of an old joke: Why does a woman need a man? Because a vibrator can't take out the trash.

[Cue rimshot]

Can you imagine a world without Dick Cheneys? Rush Limbaughs? Bill O'Reillys?

Imagine a drastic reduction in pedophilia, rape and war.

Not to mention that we wouldn't have to ever worry about accidentally landing in the toilet because some moron left the seat up...

Okay, before I get accused of misandry I'm willing to admit that males have not been rendered completely useless by this scientific discovery.

After all, we still need y'all to take out the trash...

I'm Still in Mourning for MJ...

Yeah...not so much. Thought it might make a good excuse for my not blogging consistently for a while now.

Is it too much to hope that after tomorrow's memorial extravaganza that the Michael Jackson updates slow to a trickle?

Sigh. That's what I thought...

Stephen Colbert on Obama Stonewalling

So funny that this bit played after I watched two DVR'd episodes of Queer as Folk (Note to Colleen: Now I know where your Gale Harold and Scott Lowell lust comes from!):

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - Stonewalling
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Mark Sanford

(What is going on with Colbert's right ear anyway?)

So hysterical. Love the the side captions...

Score One for the Twitter-verse

I've been standing in for a co-worker sending out company tweets. I've avoided Twitter up to now but having spent the last week tweeting, retweeting and following, I've come to appreciate the amazing power Twitter has. It's not only an addictive time suck, but makes television look like two tin cans suspended between a piece of string in its ability to spread news.

With the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson yesterday, Twitter out-scooped CNN, LATimes.com and just about every major news outlet.

It was a strange day indeed. Although I wasn't a huge Farrah fan and MJ devolution into Wacko-ness far outweighed his Thriller days, I admit to being a stunned as most at the news. Why such a sense of loss over two people who never played a major part in my life? I think Shonda Rhimes said it best when she said, "I'm not ready for the icons of my youth to start dying."

Oh yeah--she posted that pithy remark on Twitter...

Overrated

Over at Celebritology there's a post about the most overrated entertainers.

For me that list would include Scarlett Johannson (good in The Man Who Wasn't There, Ghost World and Lost in Translation but otherwise...), Natalie Portman, Jim Jarmusch, Woody Allen, Jack Nicholson (has he ever played a character other than "Jack Nicholson"?) and Clint Eastwood, the director.

Much more fun would be a list of UNDER-rated entertainers:

• Adam Sandler - I love him. Not every movie he's in, but definitely The Wedding Singer, Happy Gilmore, Fifty First Dates and Punch Drunk Love. And he's a genuinely loyal and nice guy from what I hear.
  
  
• Bruce Willis - In addition to the Die Hard movies (except maybe the third one, but that wasn't Bruce's fault..), Willis has excellent chemistry with kids. Check him out in Mercury Rising, The Sixth Sense and my favorite, the very underrated The Kid. Skip Color of Night. Truly terrible movie.


• John Mayer - I like his music and think his wordplay is really inspired:
  

Thinking bout my brother Ben
I miss him every day
He looks just like his brother John
But on an 18 month delay

Here I stand
6 feet small
and smiling cause I'm scared as hell
kind of like my life is like a sequel to a movie
where the actor's names have changed
Oh well..

• Ben Stiller - wrote, directed and starred in Tropic Thunder. People raved about Robert Downey, Jr., but I loved Stiller's performance as the doltish action hero. Plus the movie was funny as hell.
• Ben Affleck - I thought he actually was the best thing in the naively sappy Good Will Hunting. His nuanced performance as George Reeves in Hollywoodland and assured direction of Gone Baby Gone makes me overlook the whole Bennifer/Gigli debacle.
• Clint Eastwood the actor - Rent The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Awesome stuff.

Those are some of mine. Got any underrated faves to add to the list?

Geek Alert

Rajesh Koothrappali: I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.

Sheldon: Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.

Leonard: Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Great. So I can take them both out with a number 2 pencil?

Memos to Moron - part ten

Here I am, using the Abductor/Adductor machine. There you are waiting to use the same machine. I say waiting, but in fact you are HOVERING.

It's annoying.

When someone is using a machine that I want to use, I use another machine instead while I wait. It makes the time go faster and then neither I or my fellow gym rat have to deal with awkwardness.

If after using several machines said person is still using the machine I want to use, I may inquire as to when they might be finished. This is standard gym etiquette.

Unfortunately you are an inconsiderate moron. I say moron because your tactic of HOVERING is counterproductive. It does not encourage me to rush through my sets with expediency. In fact, it makes me go more SLOOOOOOOWLY.

Yeah, it's bitchy--but that's how I roll.

You've been warned. If I'm using a machine you want to use, you'll get to use it more quickly if you back off and do something more productive than hovering in my sight line.

I suggest using the ab machine. You look like you could use it.

My Contact Lenses Have Wanderlust

I lost my first contact lens the first week after switching from glasses. It popped out while I was sitting in the back seat of our car, never to be found again.

Since then I've dealt with a number of escapee lenses--some retrieved, some lost forever.

Amazingly, one that popped out while I was walking home was found. My mother and I went back up the street with a flashlight and miraculously were able to locate it none the worse for wear.

Another one made a break for it in a dormitory bathroom. I was convinced that it had slipped up under my eyelid and ended up scratching my cornea trying in vain to retrieve it.

I had one that I thought slipped down the drain. I immediately dismantled the sink trap to try to rescue it, but it was nowhere to be found. Because it never went down the drain but was actually on my hand the whole time. By the time I realized it, I had accidentally crushed it.

Tonight one went AWOL as I was taking them out to take my shower. I spent twenty minutes on my hands and knees, with a flashlight, searching for it. I had almost given up when I decided to make one last ditch effort to make sure it wasn't still in my eye somewhere. As I peered in the mirror, I managed to locate it.

Perched delicately on my right cheek.

Stupid lens!