Saturday, February 16, 2008

Cleaning Up the Keywords - part 2

I get a lot of hits from people looking for naked pictures. Sorry, folks--I can't help you there! And seriously, some of you really need help! Like the guy looking for "nude slutty cheerleaders" or the the one who had a whole fantasy mapped out with "nasty slutty cheerleaders when the bus breaks down." Um, right. You and the "burqa porn" dude should get together and swap scripts...

I've had someone looking for "Joanna Cassidy topless." Okay--that makes sense, but it was pretty unusual to have someone else looking for "Louise Cliffe wearing shirt." Now that's a first! I had a run of people wanting to see "Mark Cuban shirtless" and as bad as I thought that was, I started getting hits for "Tom Bergeron shirtless" but even that was surpassed by "naked pitchers [sic] of Jon Cainer." Now the only Jon Cainer I know of it the bald, British astrologer (see pic above). Love him, but wouldn't want to see him naked!

Here's a round-up of some of the odd searches that arrive at my blog:

1. Who invented the push-tab on soda cans?

According to my research, that would be Dan Cudzik.

2. Is it legal in CA to have cameras in store dressing rooms?

This was the subject of Adam Rifkin's movie LOOK and according to a Newsweek article, "Most people don't know that hidden cameras are legal in dressing rooms and bathrooms in most states..." According to the movie's website, California Law prohibits video recording of "confidential communications," in which speakers expect that they are not being overheard or recorded, as it is considered eavesdropping and is illegal in California. But there's no mention of video taping without audio.

3. What do Travel Agents look like?

Uh, they look like anyone else--two eyes, a nose, a mouth. Or perhaps they all look like Nia Vardalos' character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

4. How to give a Ken doll a Mohawk?

Hmmm, this presents a dilemma. Ken has molded hair, so shearing it off won't work. I'd find some flesh colored paint, paint his whole scalp area and then take a strip of fake fur and hot glue it down the center of his head. Why I or anyone would want to do this is another subject entirely. At least you're not searching for "burqa porn."

5. How do I stop my chocolate cravings?

Why would you WANT to?!!! Chocolate is awesome and if you eat the dark kind it's also good for you--with the anti-oxidants and all. I eat it almost everyday!

6. Are left-handed people sexier?

You bet your ass they are!

7. What are the pros and cons of being left-handed?

The pros are too numerous to list (see above for starters) and the cons are mainly having to deal with "righties." And the ink that smudges along your hand when you write...

8. Why do people like sucking things up in a vacuum?

You mean there are others like me? Whew! What a relief...

9. S&M scene in Pittsburgh?

Don't know. Don't want to know. I suggest posting or reading posts in the Casual Encounters sections of Pittsburgh's Craigslist.

10. How to blackmail a drug dealer?

Dude--you don't blackmail drug dealers! They blackmail YOU! Unless you're able to catch them participating in Pittsburgh's S&M scene and hold that info over them, I'd suggest NOT trying to blackmail a drug dealer.

Then I get a lot of "average" inquiries like: average rain in Los Angeles (15"), average cell phone power rating, average woman model, average Santa Claus pay, average amount of bacteria in stomach (Humans are teeming with bacteria throughout our bodies--especially in our digestive tracks! There are some estimates that only one in ten cells in our bodies is actually human...), average commission gym and average paycheck Chili's. I must remind you people, this blog is WELL ABOVE average, so we don't do just "average" here!

And finally, the last keyword search term: "Things to do if you are above average people."

Why, start a blog of course!


  1. If wanting to see Mark Cuban sans shirt is wrong, I don't want to know what's right.

    And definitely, lefties are sexier.

    I wonder if Cuban's a lefty?

  2. You crack me up!

    Well, Mr. Cuban certainly had two left feet on DWTS, so it's a possibility...