Saturday, March 15, 2008

Revisiting the Keywords

I decided to catch up with the unanswered search terms that lead to my blog on a monthly basis. So without further ado:

1. "LOST Ben causing 815 crash" - This is obviously from a LOST fan who HASN'T BEEN WATCHING CAREFULLY! Ben did not cause Oceanic Flight 815 to crash (though he seems capable of most anything...), DESMOND did. But it was an accident, so we still love Henry Ian Cusick.

2. Will Ty Treadway come back to One Life to Live?

Ah yes, the very hot soap star played the evil Dr. Colin MacIver and when that character got killed off, he came back as his identical twin brother, the good Troy MacIver. Unfortunately Troy went mad, then went bad and then was locked up in an insane asylum somewhere. This is a good sign. After all if they had killed off Troy, it would have been hard to bring Ty back as a MacIver TRIPLET. But be assured if OLtL does bring Ty back, he will be shirtless within 5 minutes...

3. Speaking of shirtless, I got a hit by someone looking for "average people naked." Good God--why?!!! But seriously, if you want to see average people naked, check out re-runs of NYPD Blue (and perhaps catch a gratuitous Dennis Franz butt shot), Harvey Keitel in The Piano (some bodies should keep their clothes on!) or rent some foreign films. German ones are particularly good in that regard. There was an Austrian film called Dog Days (aka "Hundstage") that is chock FULL of average naked people. So much so I told my friend Jack who had suggested seeing it that I hadn't realized it was a HORROR flick. Yeeesh!

4. Speaking of average, someone was wondering what Johnny Depp's average paycheck was. Well, it was $10 mil for the first Pirates movie and doubled for the second. Way to go, Johnny!

5. More averages:

Weight of an average cell phone
? My Motorola RAZR weighs 3.45 oz. if that helps...Of course I don't have a lot of numbers in it. If you have a lot of phone numbers it might weigh more...(Just kidding, of course!)

Lantus daily amount average? It's very individual. In general, higher doses for larger and/or more insulin resistant people, smaller doses for smaller and/or more insulin sensitive people. There are all sorts of formulas based on weight or percentage of total daily dosage, but the ideal dosage is one that keeps your blood sugar fairly stable throughout the day. I inject 14 units in the morning.

Average tattoo time? That depends on the size and complexity of the design. Most of mine were small (1-2 inches) and simple (outline and 1-2 colors) so they took about 20 minutes. The Celtic tree on my shoulder was a bit bigger, more intricate design and a number of colors. It took almost an hour. Sleeves or full back tattoos may take several long sessions to complete.

5. Speaking of tattoo searches: I've gotten a hit from "new tattoo working out" - I was told to keep mine covered for the first couple of hours and to gently wash the area and keep it moisturized with Aquaphor or A&D ointment, but there's no issue with working out when you've just gotten a tattoo.

Also "where will tattoo hurt least?" That's easy--fatter, fleshy parts of the body. Places where there's little fat (neck, feet) or that are bony (base of spine, wrists, ankles) hurt much more. If you really want as little pain as possible, get one on your tummy or tushy.

My condolences to the person whose "tattoo scabbed bad"--a bit of scabbing is normal and general it is painless and peels off in a week or so. Bad scabbing could mean that the tattoo needles went in too deep. Might want to get that checked with a doctor...

And last "tattooed surfer whore." Uh, yeah. Whatever...

6. Questions about people:

Someone wondered about the "girl in the scope white mouthwash commercial" - That would be model Josie Maran who had the dubious distinctive of being the first "celebrity" voted off Dancing with the Stars this past fall.

Which actress is a Barbie Girl? You mean other than Josie Maran? I think you might mean Lene Nystrom Rasted who played the role in the video for the "Barbie Girl" song.

"Jane Seymour Elizabeth The Golden Age" - Not sure what this person was looking for. The character of Jane Seymour was not in Elizabeth or The Golden Age sequel. She died giving birth to the Tudor heir who preceded both Mary and Elizabeth on the throne. She is, however, a character in The Other Boleyn Girl.

"August Rush Joaquin Phoenix" - I think this person confused Joaquin with Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Understandable--they do look similar.

7. Movie questions:

A few questions related to No Country for Old Men: Based on a true story? No, it was the adaptation of the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name. What time period was it set in? 1980, because that's when the Mexican crack trade exploded and it also allows Josh Brolin's character to be a fairly young Vietnam vet--which becomes a significant plot point later in the movie.

Someone was searching for "prison break movies" and my favorite would be The Shawshank Redemption. Another good one is Escape from Alcatraz (from which The Shawshank Redemption quite liberally "borrows"). You could try one of the zillion versions of The Count of Monte Cristo (I'm partial to the recent remake with Jim Caviezel). Papillion is another movie featuring an escape from prison--although you watch Steve McQueen age for decades before it happens. There's also Midnight Express--but again you have to wait through hours of excruciating events before the actual break.

"When does December Boys come out on DVD?" Appropriately, it was released in December. The 11th to be exact.

I think think the person searching for "I Lost Everything in the Fire" meant Things We Lost in the Fire...

And to the person seeking "what rhymes with Juno," try "uno" (Spanish for "one"), Nuno (as in "Bettencourt," former lead guitarist of Extreme), Bruno or "you know." I wondering if they're writing a love poem to Diablo Cody?

Then there's a bunch of weird keywords that I can't help with--although the people searching definitely need help:

"Pros and cons of breakdancing" - Unless you have a time machine to transport you back to the 70s, it's all cons, dude...

"Sexy toad venom topical" - Hmmm--sounds like this person is looking for the recipe for the perfume Fay Summers concocted for Claire Meade on Ugly Betty. You do know that it's just a TV show, right?

"She was shackled in a jumpsuit" - Well, if use that sexy topical toad venom on people, there's no telling WHAT will happen!

"Thelma Scooby Doo lesbian" - OK, Thelma was the pudgy, brainy one with short hair and glasses but let's not make assumptions on her sexuality based on that...

"Piano notes for wombat on a surfboard" - Not a single clue...

And my all-time favorite, "I was made a slave at my sister's slumber party!"

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