Saturday, December 13, 2008

Combing Through the Keywords

Yeah, I know it's been awhile. While perusing my analytics, it occurred to me that I get an awful lot of visits from people searching for answers to Gap related questions. E.g.; "What are Gap rewards?," "How do Gap rewards work?" and "Can I use Discover Card at the Gap?" I had 204 visits from the search term "gap rewards" alone in the last couple of months.

I think the Gap should hire me to write a blog for them. God knows I shop there often enough that a good portion of what they paid me would end up back in their bank account.

Next in popularity was the term "Hollie Nell blog" with 58 visits. This is no doubt my fab friend Hollie's psycho stalker. I used to have a stalker, but thankfully she's gotten a life.

"Mark Cuban shirtless" comes in with 30 visits. That can't ALL be Elisabeth waving "Hi!," so some of you people need to get a life like Hollie's stalker.

"Tom Bergeron shirtless"--thankfully--only garnered 11 visits, while "Eddie Steeples shirtless" accounted for 9. I also got "Freddy Rodriguez shirtless pictures from Havoc."

That one I understand!

There was a lot of interest in the actor who played Warren Schilling on Desperate Housewives (Peter Onorati) and the one who played Orson's friend, Peter Hickey (Bruce Thomas). I'll post a picture of Bruce, because he's cuter than Peter (sorry Peter--playing a wife beater just isn't attractive...)

Someone wondered about a movie starring a little boy with an asthma attack. Signs comes to mind--as the asthma of the character portrayed by Rory Culkin became an integral part of the plot. There's also Sean Astin in The Goonies. And I think the drippy little boy who played Geena Davis' son in The Accidental Tourist had asthma, but I could be wrong...

There was a search for "Italian actress with butterfly tattoo above crotch." I'm guessing they were looking for Asia Argento. But it's not a butterfly, but an angel or the madonna or something humanoid with wings...

"Does growing a goatee affect getting a job?"

Probably not, but it will in all likelihood decrease your chances of getting laid...

"Does Ty Treadway sleep in the nude?"

Wouldn't you like to know!

"Does celery cause cancer?"

I don't think so...

"Christmas song with guy and girl in a grocery store?"

Two songs come to mind: Same Auld Lang Syne by Dan Fogelberg or Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses.

Then there's the lost soul searching for "Thelma from Scooby Doo always says "jin." First off, the character's name is "Velma," not "Thelma." Velma Dace Dinkley to be exact--which I know because Velma (believe it or not) has her own page on Wikipedia.

Secondly, she's not using the name of the recently departed LOST character in vain, but instead the exclaimation is "Jinkies!"

Don't ask me what that means--I have no idea.

And then comes the really random @#$%--from the disturbing to the banal:

back seat fucking at the westside pavillion parking
ballbusting pornos
cheating ugly office girls
full frontal netflix
granny during sex with cucumber
grannys haveing
ugly granny breasts movies
how to tuck when wearing speedo
profane recharge in chino hills

Actually, I think that last person meant "proPane recharge in chino hills"...

But the one that boggles my mind is "connection between bart simpson, napoleon, kurt cobain, kermit and michelangelo."

Seriously--if someone knows the answer to that, let me know! It's gonna keep me awake nights...

Then there's:

average appendix
average breast size by nation
average christmas in the united states
average day screenwriter
average donation to breast cancer foundation
average forehead
average heroes
average hoa fees santa clarita
average level free rice
average men fashion
average mens fashion tips
average pay for actors dirty sexy money
average poems
average price of dvd promotion
average rainy days london
average rent paid by pr firms
average role models
average salary of pacemaker rep
average sale price of a screenplay
average shelf life of a professional dancer
average songs heard a day
average stop loss
average tattoo time
average thoughts
average time for dentist appointment
average time to read 100 pages
average top models
average vocabulary level on free rice
average writing
averaging poem
above average
above average ability
above average fashions
above average four year old
above average return
above average words

...for which I can offer no assistance. 'Cuz we don't do "average" or "above average" here.

Only "Well Above Average."

1 comment:

  1. So hysterical. Fortunately my stalker has been MIA for awhile. I think the fact that you helped me with the blog tracker has helped but it's kinda cool to know people can find me...or maybe it's scary. I'm not quite sure.