Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Summer Fashion Tips for Men

The summer solstice is almost upon us and that means shorts, t-shirts and sandals! Miss Manners might give you the 411 about wearing white after Memorial Day, but I'm here to tell you about some fashion DON'Ts that will REALLY make you look stupid if you're caught wearing them:

1. Crocs - OK, can anyone explain these shoes to me? Did some marketing genius say to himself, "Hmmm--Let's design footwear made from ugly synthetic materials using garish colors in a clunky style that will make the hideous Jelly shoes of the 80s look good in comparison!" They have a storefront on Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, but trust me--this does not make them fashionable! Crocs should never be worn by people over the age of twelve. And, unless your goal is to never get laid AGAIN, never by adult males.

2. Socks with sandals - People, the purpose of sandals is to let your feet BREATHE! Those white tube socks from the 70s completely counteract that as well as make you look like a doofus. If you really want to up the ante, try pairing those brown huaraches with a pair of BLACK socks. So hot! NOT.

3. Short shorts - The Nair girls can rock short shorts. The Rockettes can wear short shorts. Any male over the age of twelve should never ever ever wear shorts shorter than knee length (and for those of you with knobby knees, make that BELOW knee length!). Even the Washington Post Wise Guys agree with me here. Think Napoleon Dynamite. Yeesh!

4. Speedos - Unless you're rocking an Olympic caliber diver or swimmer's bod (and trust me--you are so NOT!), you should not be wearing a Speedo. Even hottie John Mayer can't pull off the look (although to be fair, the ball sac thong is a look NO-ONE could pull off!). The Speedo requires a hard six-pack--and the Miller Lite you're carrying does not qualify!

5. T-shirts - T-shirts are a staple of summer, but there's a time and place for the slogan t-shirt. T-shirts emblazoned with "Save a tree, eat a beaver," "If you lick them, they will come" and "Polygamy loves company" (OK, that one is really funny!) are fine for the beach and the boardwalk--not so cool at work (even on Casual Friday) or a first date. Even better is to eschew the slogan for a plain solid color t-shirt which says, "I'm an eloquent human being capable of conveying my thoughts and philosophies on life with parading around like a human bumper sticker!"

And speaking of T-shirts: Never, ever, ever tuck a t-shirt into your jeans. I know your Mom always told you to tuck your shirt in, but this is a case where it looks stupid. If, however, looking stupid is what you are going for then by all means tuck in the t-shirt and while you're at it, add a belt!


  1. OMG. Can I get some bleach for my brain? I need to erase that picture from my memory!!!

  2. Also, I'm right there with you on Crocs. Except they are HUGELY popular in FL. Everyone owns them and it drives me batty. My friend loves to make fun of me because she loves 'em. She's constantly showing them to me in every conceivable color to try and get me to like 'em. UGH!

  3. LOL!!! So sorry about that! I'll post something just for you to make your eyeballs feel better...

    I'm so glad someone else is with me on the whole Crocs trend!